yansadracan

Title: What He Knew and What He Allowed
Author: YanzaDracan
Fandom: CWRPS & Kane RPS
Characters: Jensen; Chris/Steve
Word Count: 4,706
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sequel to Friendship Rarely Survives The Knowing & What He Thought He Knew. Jensen tries to deal with his feelings for his best friends and their relationship.
Disclaimer: They're not mine. IT'S FICTION! Any goofs, gaffs, bending of facts, or mistakes are mine.

He sat in a shadowed corner of the deck nursing a beer and watching the antics of his friends.

Supernatural

was wrapped until August, and he'd just gotten settled back in LA when Dave called inviting him to a party celebrating KANE's ten year anniversary along with Christian and Steve's eighth anniversary. Too mentally exhausted to come up with an excuse Dave would believe, Jensen accepted.

Now here he sat mentally chastising himself for going through the torture of being on the outside looking in at how he no longer had a place here. They were his friends, but they didn't know him or he them as they had before Dark Angel.

His running away from Christian and Steve had been more successful than even he imagined. A year in Vancouver, a quick hiatus in LA then he was off to North Carolina with Dawson's Creek, and it hadn't stopped since. He'd become the pretty face to grab demographics. Directors had been stupidly pleased that he had talent to back up his looks, and nagging Steve to teach him guitar and piano when they were living together had come in handy on several occasions.

Eight years later, he was too tired to hide anymore. So he decided to wing it. Next month he'd be in Dallas doing a play that would take up most of his hiatus. He should be able to hold himself together until then.

Jensen was startled out of his dark musings when Christian landed in his lap.

"Whatcha doin' all alone in the dark, Jenny?"

The sandpaper voice shot sparks across his nerve endings. Jensen had forgotten he had no defenses against an affectionate Christian.

His hands had naturally landed on the older man's hips to keep him from falling off the chaise. Jensen pulled his hands away as though burnt looking around for Steve's reaction to the tipsy Kane.

Steve smiled fondly at Christian's antics, but when he caught Jensen's eye he was surprised at the range of emotions that passed over the handsome face. Pain, love, lust, fear, and finally panic that had the broad hands leaving Christian's body like he'd been caught doing something wrong. It was all covered quickly by the almost seamless transition from friend to actor.

Jensen's voice took on a tone of fond indulgence as his beer bottle rolled across the deck. "Kane, you horse's ass! You're causin' alcohol abuse by wastin' perfectly good beer--on top of that--don't call me Jenny."

Mischief twinkling in blue/grey eyes, Christian clutched his heart dramatically. "You don't love us anymore, Jenny? Some wily wench has stolen you heart."

Rolling his eyes, Jensen cringed inwardly. He had to get out of this before it got past his ability to act his way through.

Everyone else was laughing at their little scene, but Jensen chanced a quick look at Steve. He almost groaned out loud at the concentration on the singer's face. Having Christian Kane in his life for ten years had given Steve a taste for puzzles, and he was looking at Jensen with an intensity that didn't bode well for the younger man.

With an exaggerated shove he dislodged a laughing Chris from his lap and was off the chaise heading for the cooler full of beer as though hell hounds were after him. He steeled himself when he felt Steve sidle up next to him.

"Come to the studio with me tomorrow?" Steve practically crooned.

The request didn't surprise Jensen-he'd sung backup on Steve's other CD's. It had become a quasi-tradition with them. He watched the blond out of the corner of his eye.

"Sure…yeah…uh...what time were ya goin'?"

"Around nine. I gotta swing by mom's first and return some stuff I borrow for tonight." Steve grinned.

Jensen wanted to bang his head on the bar. Chris squirming in his lap like a happy puppy, singing with Steve and now Sandy and probably Steve's dad, Chris…Jensen's peace of mind was doomed. Before looking at one of the faces in his dreams he pulled on Dean like most people put on a coat.

"Sure, man. Be good to see your mom and dad. Darren and Rosalee gonna be at the session, too?"

Jensen's body language and expression stayed relaxed and open, but blue eyes narrowed.

"Don't know 'bout Rosalee, but Darren'll be runnin' the board." Steve's answer was almost absentminded as he watched Jensen.

"Great. Want me to drive?" Green eyes looked everywhere but at Steve.

"Nah. Just be ready 'cause the studio schedule's real tight."

"See you at nine. Gotta see a man 'bout a horse…" Jensen started for house.

"What's up with him?" Chris slid his arms around Steve's waist.

"Don't know. He's gone so far away from us."

"Boy's career's goin' like wildfire. That pretty face is in demand. Draws in the 13-40 females. He's great for demographics, professional, talented, sponsors probably love the hell outta him."

With a pat on the ass and a quick kiss to Steve's temple, Christian pulled a beer out of the cooler and wondered over to talk to Dave and Riley. Steve stared slack-jawed after his partner. Just when he thought the puzzle of Christian Kane was solved, a new batch of pieces got thrown on the table.

Making sure Jensen had his guitar, they were actually running ahead of schedule when they got to Steve's mom and dad's. After greeting her son, Sandy turned her attention to Jensen, chastising the younger man for neglecting to visit them when he was in LA. He ducked his head and blushed with apologies of being busy, out of town, and he'd try harder to visit when he was in LA.

At the studio, Darren gave him a quick hug and teased Jensen about being Steve's touchstone for his CD's.

"Can't have a Steve Carlson CD without Jensen Ackles' voice on it somewhere…that'd be like peanut butter without jelly." Darren chuckled.

Steve was watching Jensen reactions carefully still trying to cipher what was happening with their friendship.

They rehearsed the tracks Darren wanted to record, and after a few trial runs they were ready for the money shot. As they listened to the playback, Steve casually threw his arm over Jensen's shoulder drawing him closer to make a comment in his ear. He felt Jensen stiffen at the contact then force himself to relax. Steve spent the rest of the session putting himself in Jensen's space, touching…a hand here, an adjustment on a chord here, a brush against him somewhere else.

On the drive home Steve asked Jensen if he had his song notebook with him. At the surprise on the freckled face, Steve just grinned and told him Jared had ratted him out at one of the cons. With a growl that would have done Christian proud, Jensen nodded.

Jensen started to protest when Steve passed his exit, but the singer cajoled him to come to the house and let him see what Jensen had written, have some dinner, catch up on what was happening with each other.

Jensen never could resist Steve when he wanted something badly…now was no exception. Wanting to bang his head on the dash in frustration, he warily agreed.

By the time they got to the house, Jensen was sure he had those parts that were in love with his two friends safely under lock and key. He knew this role-he just had stay out of arm's reach. Over the years both men had become more in your personal space, hug, tug, physically smother you, and there was no way Jensen's façade would stand that kind of pressure. The alternative would be the loss of their friendship if he cracked. It was a desperate no win situation.

Jensen held on to the thought that it was only 28 days until he went to Dallas like a life preserver in the storm tossed ocean of his emotions.

Christian had finished filming the movie, Hide a month ago. Steve had flown to Argentina for the wrap party, and the pair had spent a couple weeks relaxing and being tourists. He already had a new series called Leverage filming in town so when Jensen and Steve got to the house, Christian was already in the kitchen working on supper.

Their conversation stayed on general topics as they relaxed with a before supper beer.

"You look wrung out, bubba-everything alright with you?" Christian asked out of the blue.

Green eyes blinked several times. He'd forgotten how perceptive the man was, and his role as Eliot Spencer seemed to have cultivated that trait.

"Yeah. Just tired. Kripke really put us through the ringer this year." Jensen hedged. "Next season'll probably be worse."

"Jared and I were talking at the convention and he was telling me what an awesome job you'd been doing." Steve didn't look up from the salad he was making.

"Oh? What else did Sasquatch have to say?" His voice dripped sarcasm.

The blonde head snapped up. "Not much. We were just passing time between panels." His voice dropped to a soothing tone. "Said you guys were working mostly at night so your social life was non-existent, and he was looking forward to going home."

Jensen relaxed visibly. "Yeah I'm goin' to Dallas next month to do a play. I probably won't be around much until time to go back to Vancouver."

Steve and Chris exchanged a frown. "You avoidin' us, 'ol son?" Christian asked bluntly.

"Why would I do that? You know I always have some project for hiatus." Jensen reminded them. "My agent's working on a movie deal for next summer."

The conversation stayed away from anything personal during supper. Christian told stories about filming in Argentina, and Sony/Columbia wanting him to come to Nashville during hiatus to work on a CD. Steve would commute back and forth to LA while he was working on his CD. They'd decided not to book any more shows for KANE until their schedules meshed better. Christian practically vibrated when he talked about working with Sony while Steve smiled indulgently at his excitement.

After supper they pulled out the guitars. Steve asked Jensen to play his songs for him. Soon they bantering ideas back and forth fleshing out two of the songs. Steve liked them so well he told Jensen he wanted to talk with Darren about putting them on the CD.

Flabbergasted, Jensen pleaded cigarette break. While Steve and Jensen smoked, Chris lolled on the chaise.

"So Jenny, you getting' laid on a regular basis?" Chris grinned unrepentantly when the younger man spit his mouthful of beer.

"None of your fuckin' business. Damn if you're not a regular busybody." Jensen scowled as he wiped the beer off his chin.

'We just wanna see you happy and settled." Chris continued to tease.

"I'm waaay too young to think about settlin' down like you old guys." Jensen teased back turning to go back in the house.

A lot of beer later they were still picking through Steve's catalog of songs.

"How about this one?" Steve started to pluck a catchy tune that made you want to tap your feet.

Dark bar,
Counting cars through the window,
She sings along to an old song,
And mumbles the crescendo,
In walks a woman
With a well hidden frown,
She orders somethin' sweet
And all alone she sat down.

Whooo gave her somethin' to lean on?
When everything was goin' down.
Whooo gave her somethin' to lean on?

Layin' around tryin' to think of something to say,
A ray of light came through the curtain in a most peculiar way,
He hit the ground,
He looked around to find his shoes,
And as he walked her to the door he wondered which of them was used.

By the time the last notes were played Jensen realized the catchy little tune hid a story about having someone there for you, but it being awkward because you were strangers.

*Hmphf. Story of my life.*

He thought.

The song took Jensen back to the time when they shared his house. Steve, after his breakup and then later thinking he was never going to have a chance with Christian had spent as many nights in Jensen's bed as he had his own. When Steve had indulged in his short relationship, sending Christian off the rails, it was Christian who turned to Jensen for solace.

Holding tight to his emotions, Jensen told Steve the song really didn't fit in with the others he'd chosen for the CD. As Christian had chimed in his agreement Jensen was pulling out his phone to call a cab. He really needed to get out of here.

"Whatcha doin', Jen?" Chris was so close he was almost whispering his ear.

"Callin' a cab. You gotta work tomorrow and no one's in any condition to drive." He continued flipping through the phone book.

"Don't gotta go, Jenny. We've got plenty of room." Christian's voice crooned low. "Steve'll make us pancakes in the mornin'."

"I will? I mean sure. I'll make mom's banana walnut ones." Steve chimed in as he watched Jensen become tense and pale as he'd played Something To Lean On.

He really didn't want to stay, but it would seem strange if he insisted on going home.

"Sure that'll be great. Like old times. Steve'll make a mess and I'll have to clean it up." He teased, but the humor didn't quite make it to his eyes.

"Damn," Christian quipped, "always wanted a house boy." Then waggled his eyebrows and snickered.

"Says the man who hates cleaning up after himself." Steve gave Chris' arm a backhanded swat.

Jensen turned toward the kitchen for another beer as they continued to dicker, as people who've been together a long time do. Carrying three bottles back to the living room he was greeted by one of the most beautiful and heartbreaking moments he'd ever witnessed.

The two men sat foreheads pressed together talking softly, interspersed with tiny kisses and nips, Christian's voice a purr of contentment that was rarely heard from the volatile man. Steve's face lit like the sun from within as those talented fingers tangled in Chris' thick curls.

An ache so deep it nearly doubled him over grabbed Jensen's chest. He carefully set the bottles on the nearest flat surface then sprinted for the back door. There was no way he going past them to get to the front door. Fast as Jensen was, Christian had always been quicker.

The bang of the sliding doors broke Steve and Chris out of their bubble.

"What the…"

They saw the bottles, but no Jensen.

"Fuck."

Rushing out the front, they looked up and down the street but saw no sign of Jensen.

He ran. He had to get out of sight of the house. There was no way he could go back there and keep up the pretense. He thought he was strong enough to do this, but witnessing such love and devotion between the two had shattered his façade in a way he never imagined.

It wasn't that far to his house, he knew Steve and Chris would take care of his guitar. He'd promised Steve he'd go to the studio tomorrow…today actually, and the only way he was going to be able to keep his promise was hide long enough to piece himself back together. He was feeling better about his plan until his phone began to ring.

Frustrated that Jensen wouldn't answer his phone, Christian called Jared, not carrying about the time of night.

"What the fuck is wrong with Jenny?!" He demanded.

Groggy at being awaken it took Jared a minute to catch up.

"Something happened to Jensen!?" He started to get upset.

"No…Yes…Hell I don't know…He was in the studio with Steve today, we ate, drank some beer, played a little guitar, messed around with a couple songs Jenny wrote, and he was just gone. I don't know what happened."

It didn't make any more sense now that he said it out loud then it did when it happened. A thought occurred to him.

"Did something happen while y'all were in Vancouver? Some girl break his heart or somethin'?"

"Nah, man. Nothin' like that. Kripke kept us run ragged, especially Jensen. The finale was a killer." Jared paused. "I can't even remember the last time he went out on a date…he's never talked about anyone special. He talked about hangin' with y'all then goin' to Dallas for his play."

"Thanks, Jay. Sorry 'bout wakin' ya. Just thought ya might have a handle on what was goin' on with our boy." Chris sounded exasperated.

"I don't have a clue, Chris. He seemed fine when we left Vancouver. We're plannin' on hookin' up when he gets to Texas, so you've probably talked to him more than I have." Jared paused before hanging up. "Let me know what you find out. Say 'Hi' to Steve. Night, Chris."

Christian looked around to find Steve having a cigarette on the deck.

"What's up, darlin'?" He slipped his arms around the trim waist.

"Of all our friends, Jensen has never brought around a girlfriend-boyfriend-no one."

"You think something might have happened?" Chris was starting to follow Steve's line of thought.

Snuffing out the cigarette, Steve took Chris by the hand and led him back to the couch.

"I need to tell you something that happened before we got together." His eyes were sad when he looked up at Christian.

"When I moved in with Jen I wasn't always in a good place-between the breakup, the flood-just everything…" He paused and took a deep breath, "When I'd start to do things that weren't good for me, Jensen would call me on it, offer himself up so to speak." He locked eyes with Christian. "Sometimes it was friends with benefits, sometimes it was comfort, sometimes it was because I thought there would never be an 'us'."

Christian squeezed his hand to encourage him.

"Jensen never turned me away. Then all that fiasco with Mary and Diehl happened. We did get together, and Jensen just smiled and helped me move my stuff to your house before he left to film Dark Angel."

Steve bowed his head and waited for Christian to explode. A gentle hand lifted his chin.

"Remember when you dated that woman for what was it…a month…six weeks?" Christian asked.

Steve nodded still not sure what was going to happen.

"Jensen's the only reason I wasn't a crazy man." He gave Steve a wicked smirk. "The boy has freckles everywhere."

Steve finally relaxed then chuckled. "Yes he does."

He became serious. "Did we break him, Chris? Are we why he works all the time? Why he ran?"

"It's hard to say. Boy's always played it close to the chest, but you could be right. Neither of us gave a thought to what was happening with him while he was propping our emo asses up."

"Fuckin' actors and your fuckin' masks." Steve groused. "Can we fix him?"

"More like will he let us fix him?"

"Not willingly. He can be even more stubborn than you." Steve looked slyly at Chris through his lashes.

"Pot and kettle there, Hoss." Christian chided. "Pot and kettle." He scrubbed his hands over his face wearily. "We're not gonna solve it now. Come mornin' we can figure this out."

Sobered and worried at the unintentional harm they may have caused one of their oldest friends, the pair wound tightly together in sleep taking comfort in that together they'd come up with a way to fix Jensen.

Jensen arrived at nine sharp the next morning. 'Best friend' mask firmly in place. If Steve and Christian could have seen the fine cracks on the inside of Jensen's mask they might have been more encouraged about getting through to the younger man, but so far he was keeping in character.

At the studio Jensen and Steve worked with Darren to polish up Where My River Flows and Love You or Leave You before laying the vocal tracks. During breaks Steve would try to get Jensen to talk about his personal life, not just Supernatural. He talked about pranks pulled on the set, outtakes, some of the publicity work they did in Vancouver, Jared, Harley and Sadie, maybe looking for a place of his own because Jared had a habit of bringing home 'screamers', but nothing the delved any deeper.

"So you and Jay are JUST housemates?" Steve kept his head bent over his guitar, but watched Jensen's face out of the corner of his eye.

Jensen gave a disgruntled snort. "You been reading fan fiction sites again, Carlson? The boy really is like my younger brother." Jensen gave an exaggerated shiver.

The sharp look Jensen gave him made Steve change subjects before Jensen could get his back up. He asked about the play and commented that he and Chris would have to fly in from Nashville to catch the show and make a weekend of it in Dallas.

Steve was disappointed that he couldn't read Jensen's expression because he had turned away claiming a smoke break, and was heading for the door.

With a sigh, Steve trailed behind typing a quick text to Christian.

Chris was toweling the sweat off his face and neck when his phone buzzed. He loved choreographing fight scenes. It always got his body revved and made it easier to get through the day. Seeing Steve's ID brightened his face until he saw the message:

'Fuckin' actors!'

With a sad smile Christian sent back:

'They didn't nominate Jen 4 3 Daytime Emmys coz he's pretty.'

He laughed out loud when Steve sent him an emoticon giving him a raspberry.

They dissected Steve's conversations with Jensen over dinner.

"So he's not bumpin' boots with Jared, and there's not a peep on any of the fan sites about him bein' 'with' anyone…"Christian trailed off.

"Not that I can find. Everyone's distracted with Dean going to hell…and has Kripke killed him off permanently. Apparently the screams could be heard for miles. I hope the man has bodyguards." Steve quipped.

"We should call Danneel. She always knows what's going on…don't they date when Jen's in town? I thought we had one of your mom's chocolate angel pies." Christian added while he was rummaging through the refrigerator.

"You ate the last piece two nights ago." Steve started clearing the table. "They don't date. They're each other's appropriate arm candy."

There was a thump then a curse as Christian backed away from the offending appliance. "WHAT!"

"They've been friends a long time. It's just something they do for each other." He grinned as Chris rubbed the sore spot on the back of his head. "Don't ask her about it, 'cause she'll deny it…tell you how much she cares about Jen…what a great guy he is…ad nauseum."

"Huh?"

"If I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't believe it." Steve put the last of the dishes into the dishwasher. "Fuckin' actors." He muttered.

He grabbed his cigarettes and headed for the backyard. Christian grabbed a couple beers and trailed behind him. He sat down and propped his chin on his hands.

"Where we goin' with this, darlin'." Christian's expression was earnest. "Seriously? Eight years after the fact we realize we were asses to our best friend. We what?...tell him we love 'im and he falls into bed with us. What we have here is pretty settled-do we really wanna rock the boat. Do we care enough about Jenny to take that chance? So far all we've done is jump head first into tryin' to git 'im to talk. So if he talks and says he's carried this torch for eight years...then what? What's the endgame? How bad do we hurt him just to alleviate our guilt?"

Steve's expression was awestruck at Christian's speech. "Wow. You've put a lot of thought into this." He lit another cigarette.

At Chris' arched eyebrow as he eyed the second cigarette. "Chain smokin'?"

Steve shrugged. "I hadn't really thought past getting him to talk to us. I guess I thought we could play it by ear, but since you pointed out how many different ways this could go…well…hell." He pushed a hand through his hair in frustration.

"He's always been there for us whether it was a beer, a bed or an ear. He doesn't take sides, and he kicks our asses if we need it. If we're not careful we could lose one of our oldest friends." Christian paused and took a long draught of beer.

They looked across the space separating them, reading the other's thoughts in their expressions.

"Fuck." Steve dropped his chin to his chest.

"Yeah." Christian stood and stretched. "I'm goin' in."

Steve got up to follow but paused to look skyward praying they didn't totally screw up with Jensen.

While the couple tried to figure out how Jensen fit into their life, Jensen was doing his best to skirt the fringes of theirs. When they went their separate ways he didn't want to spend his time in Dallas patching the holes in his heart.

A few days before Jensen was supposed to fly to Dallas, Christian finished early so dropped by the studio to watch Steve and Jensen record. He greeted Darren and settled in the corner of the booth. Watching the interaction between the two, Christian realized how deeply Steve cared for the younger man. His mental chuckle was bitter at how he and Steve had been so wrapped up each other that they'd become oblivious to anyone outside of them.

He turned his attention to Jensen. Christian knew Jensen was a kickass actor, but to watch that ability in action was blowing him away. You had to watch close to see when the act slipped…he'd look at Steve--his expression would soften, and the emotion that shone from those green eyes made Christian's chest ache-then just as quick the mask was back in place.

Christian almost blew the whole thing that evening when he'd start to treat Jensen the way he treated Steve. This solicited confused looks from both men that had him pulling hard on the reins of his emotions.

Hooded green eyes watched closely the rest of the evening. Something had Christian's tail feathers ruffled, but no amount of subtle prodding or alcoholic bribes got him any closer to any explanation for Chris' possessive behavior. When their waitress had flirted with him, Jensen thought he'd heard Christian growl--he could have just been talking to Steve--but the laser beam glare he'd given the poor woman had scattered her wits the rest of the evening.

When the couple dropped Jensen at his house, he decided it might be a good idea if he found something else to do the next few days and let whatever was going on between Christian and Steve work itself out.

The minute the front door was closed, Steve was all over Christian.

"What the fuck, man?"

Christian pulled his phone out and showed Steve the picture he'd snapped earlier at the studio. Steve opened his mouth to continue until he looked closely at the picture. Jensen's soft expression and how his hand was starting to reach for Steve made the singer stop the words that were on his lips.

"Fuck."

"Yeah."

"How long were you watching?"

"Long enough to see that-a couple times."

"You want to keep him?"

"Yeah, what about you?"

"Yeah."

"He's gonna run."

"Yeah."

"And hide behind anything he can."

"Yeah."

"Jay's been workin' out."

*Snorts dismissively.*

"Ya got all the vocals you need for this CD?"

"Yeah."

"Might take 'til the next one's written ta git 'im settled."

"We're going to Nashville. He's going to Dallas then back to Vancouver."

"Dallas ain't that far from Nashville."

"Yeah."

"Good thing we're gypsies."

"I think I hate Vancouver."

"We might have to go through Vegas."

"No shit?"

"Yeah."

"We oughta be able to get something kickass with all the frequent flyer miles."

"Long as we get Jenny."

Their chuckles were just as quiet and breathy as the rest of the conversation. A picture and a few words and they knew that Jensen was theirs--their boy just didn't know it yet.